Battle of the Borders: Canada vs. Mexico
To the north of the United States, there is a country that goes by the name of Canada. It is cold, and people add “eh” to the end of every sentence. To the south of the United States, there is a country that goes by the name of Mexico. It is hot, and people add “el” to the beginning of every word. We’ll be comparing those two.
Yeah, I know. That was completely racist. Or whatever you call it when you make generalizations about a country, because I don’t think it’s racism. But whatever it is, don’t call me out on it. But if you can, then please kindly point out the correct word.
My Opinion
Okay, rambling = OVER. Now, if you live in the United States (or most other countries at that), then you should probably know what Canada and Mexico are. And for those that don’t, then I personally believe that U.S. Americans are unable to do so because, uh, some people out there in our nation don’t have maps and, uh, I believe that our, uh, education like such as in South Africa and, uh, the Iraq, everywhere like such as, and, I believe that they should, our education over here in the U.S. should help the U.S., uh, or, uh, should help South Africa and should help the Iraq and the Asian countries, so we will be able to build up our future, for our children.
Oh, my opinion. I forgot about that. Well, I’ve been to Canada, and I like it. So Canada. 
Test 1: Numbers Test: Gener…Eh, You Should Know This One By Now
Yeah, if you don’t know what test this is, then you either are new here or…you’re new here. It’s just general discussion.
Canada: 1,200,000,000 results
Mexico: 427,000,000 results
Nice one, Canada, eh? (I swear, that wasn’t intended to be offensive. It was a real, authentic “eh”.) That means you gain the point for this one, and we start off with a score of Canada: 1, Mexico: 0. Español no lo está haciendo bien ahora, ¿verdad?
I used Google Translate for that, so if it doesn’t make sense to any Spanish speakers, blame the internet.
Now, as for Coolness Points. Although I think for Canadians all of them should be voided (just kidding, I love Canada xD), they gain 74 CP while Mexico gains 26.
Test 2: Numbers Test: Xenophobics, Unite!
Now, not all of us in America are fond of foreigners. But you should know that, unless you are a Native American, an ancestor of yours was at some point an immigrant to this country. But this is for those that don’t care:
Canadians should stay in Canada: 8,380,000 results
Mexicans should stay in Mexico: 4,870,000 results
Erm…is anyone else as surprised by these results as I am? (And a quick search of “Canadians should go home” vs. “Mexicans should go home” reveal that Canada gets over three times as many results still as Mexico.) But that means the point goes to Mexico, making it a tie at 1-1. Canada gains 37 Coolness Points now, while Mexico gains 63, making it 111-89. Woot for repeating digits.
Test 3: Words Test: The Definition of Your Country
And it is now time for the standard first Words Test! This one’s pretty simple; it’ll just be “Canada is…” alongside “Mexico is…”. Then we compare the search suggestions that pop up to help.
Canada is: part of what continent, apart of what continent, awesome, famous for, on fire, known for, really big, america’s hat, better than america, a joke
Mexico is: angry, angry snopes, angry email, in north america, mad, suing arizona, angry sonora, angry three cheers for arizona, known for, a failed state
Well, as for Canada, some of us don’t know much geography, now do we? I mean, come on, I’ve known that since the preschool years. Although perhaps that’s because it’s my country’s hat. Plus it’s really big, and small children tend to be amazed by really big things. And things that are on fire, which Canada apparently is. And, counting “better than america” as a good thing, that’s 3 positive – 0 negative = +3.
Meanwhile, Mexico seems very angry for whatever reason. It’s also suing Arizona, apparently a result of its anger. And like Canada, it is in North America. But Canada isn’t suing the state of Arizona. What’ve you got against Arizona, Mexico? At the end of that, it’s 0 positive – 1 negative = -1. That means that Canada wins this round, making the score 2-1. Because this is a Words Test, Coolness Points remain the same.
Test 4: Numbers Test: The Smarticle Count
Are you smarter than a fifth grader? Are you smarter than an American? We’ll find out with this one.
Canadians are smart: 1,380,000 results
Mexicans are smart: 440,000 results
Canadians: Smarter than both Americans and fifth graders.
Mexicans: Smarter than Americans, but not fifth graders.
With that, Canada picks up another point. It’s now 3-1, and Coolness Points are 187-113.
Test 5: Numbers Test: Mmm. Now I’m Hungry.
It’s now 11:43PM, and by the very thought of this test I’ve made myself hungry. Tacos, anyone? How about pancakes with maple syrup?
Canadian food: 61,400,000 results
Mexican food: 33,100,000 results
Apparently food is on the rest of the world’s minds as well. And now I’m going to go have, quite literally, a midnight snack. Meanwhile, Mexicans right now could be having anywhere from a 9PM to an 11PM snack, and Canadians could be having somewhere from a 9PM to a 1:30AM snack. Aren’t time zones fun? No? Alright, then. Let’s move on to the points. Canada gains yet another point, making the score 4-1. The country gains 65 Coolness Points, while Mexico gets 35. That means the totals are 252-148, in Canada’s favour.
I just used a British spelling. And I’m American. I feel so…foreign.
Test 6: Numbers Test: What I Did Over the Summer…
What *are* you doing over the summer? Are you going to Canada? How about Mexico? Or both? El vacation grande, eh?
Canadian vacation: 29,500,000 results
Mexican vacation: 4,180,000 results
Unlike any known war, the Canadians win! Okay, I’ll be fair. I hear they’re pretty good in snowball fights. And I suppose all the beaver races help them retreat if necessary. Oh, wait, that’s the French. Anyway, they’ve seen to have frozen Mexico’s score at one, so it’s 5-1. The Canadians also gain 88 Coolness Points, while Mexico adds on just 12 more. That makes the totals 340-160. Enjoy those simple numbers while you can.
Test 7: Numbers Test: Excuses, Excuses…
Now it’s time for the pessimism to take over. Because let’s face it: some countries are just plain bad. You have Cuba, the entire population of which just can’t seem to SHUT THE HELL UP. And you have Scotland, where the next time I see a man wearing a skirt I think I may just shoot myself. And of course you have the good ol’ US of A, where a lasting effect of the education system is nonexistant, which produces people like me who constantly make generalizations about entire countries and their people and can never spell “nonexistent” on their first try. But is Canada or Mexico worse?
Canada is a lame excuse for a country: 72,600 results
Mexico is a lame excuse for a country: 45,100 results
Well, there you have it. Canada is the lamer excuse for a country. I will refrain from making another Canadian-related joke.
…
…
…………………………………..
Alright, I can’t. I suppose the top hat of another country can’t be considered a country itself, yes? Although, I thought many Americans were hotheads, so wouldn’t the top hat…not be freezing?
But in any case, that means the score is 5-2, and Mexico begins a possible comeback. As for Coolness Points, it is still very far behind; Canada gets 38 CP while Mexico gains 62. That means the totals are 378-222 with Canada in the lead. And on that note, those are the second set of repeating digits in this post! This is cause for a celebration. A sexy one.
Test 8: Words Test: Eh vs. El
Ahem. Moving on. It’s been five tests now since we’ve done a words test. More are in order, yes? Well, this’ll be a negative one. We all know how much everyone hates foreigners, yes? Those damn tourists, it’s like they’re from a different country… Well, we’ll see which are worse.
Canadians are: *silence*
Mexicans are: *silence*
Well, it looks like we have a tie! Both of them sit at 0, and the scores don’t change this time…
Test 9: Numbers Test: Better Than the Other
We haven’t compared the comparisons yet today, now have we…
Canada is better than Mexico: 54,500,000 results
Mexico is better than Canada: 55,200,000 results
Close for Canada, but unfortunately for them el español is victorious again! (On an unrelated side-note, did anyone catch last night’s episode of Victorious on Nickelodeon? HILARIOUS!)
(Oh, and before you say that I have no life, remember that you’re the one reading this blog.)
(Okay, who gives a damn that I’m the one writing it? D:<)
Mexico now gains a point and it’s 5-3, and we might have a comeback here! And the Coolness Points are exactly even, with Canada and Mexico both getting 50. That means it’s 428-272, and it looks like Mexico isn’t doing so well in that respect. C’mon, the taco country seriously doesn’t beat the maple syrup country?
Final Test: Test 10: Numbers Test: Huh?
I’m doing an even number of tests this time since the second word test didn’t work. *glares at Google*
Anyway, this one’ll make you go WTF. (Actually, save that for the bonus WTF tests down below.) Seriously, my head hurt just trying to come up with this statement. In fact, I’ll just copy-paste it to the next two lines to avoid having to type it.
Canada is an intellectually inclined country populated by hard-working, honest, welcoming people: 10,300 results
Mexico is an intellectually inclined country populated by hard-working, honest, welcoming people: 7,600 results
Kayyyyyyy. Apparently we don’t have that much good to say about either country. Nevertheless, Canada picks up the final point, making the final score 6-3, and the final Coolness Points score 486-314!
Coolness Quotients: Canada – 61%, Mexico – 39%. That still means that Mexico > Twilight.
Final Verdict
Well, it seems that my pick for my own personal favourite has won again. But to be honest, I don’t pick the winner at the start on purpose. (Seriously; the only one that I knew the results beforehand was Harry Potter vs. Twilight, the battle that inspired this site in the first place. All the others I’ve done the tests after choosing which one I like better. So I dun cheat. D=) Now, although Canada is cooler both as in points and as in cold, don’t forget that as of Test #2 people apparently think that they should be confined to their own country.
WTF Test #1: Geographical Failure
I’ve decided to make WTF tests a permanent feature in my posts. So, let’s see: how irrational is everyone, anyway? Let’s start with a more narrow question. How many people can’t differentiate countries from continents? Yes, I’m talking about stuff like this.
Canada is a continent: 16,500,000 results
Mexico is a continent: 8,750,000 results
Well, I suppose Canada could be big enough to be its own continent. Nevertheless, that’s over 25 million people who need to go back to kindergarten.
Fun Fact: The word “kindergarten” comes from the German words “kinder” meaning children, and “garten” meaning garden. 15,800,000 Google results agree that Germany is a continent.
Comment below! Just try not to get into a YouTube comments-style argument. Also, be sure to share this on Twitter and Facebook! SJ and I would really appreciate it!
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